We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
