Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
