he looks like a really good dad on facebook
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
