Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
