herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
