I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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