so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
