my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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