What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Damn victory sex feels great
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
