I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
