he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
How does it feel to date your dad?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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