there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
