I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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