Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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