Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize