the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
