Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
