Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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