More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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