remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
