so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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