Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
