I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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