he thought i was a dude.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Randomize
