peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
