well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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