I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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