does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Randomize
