apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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