my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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