there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
