All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize