The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
