and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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