The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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