wat bout pragnant strippers??
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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