Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize