he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Randomize
