Only a mothe r could love this liver
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
