You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize