Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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