Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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