then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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