Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
