I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
