I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
