You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
