I CAN MOONWALK!
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize