my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
