I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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