12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize