after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
