he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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