If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
not ubering you a puppy
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize