i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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