Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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