Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
