Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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