so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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