Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
