The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
