After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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