My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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