I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
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