im drinking this country out of the recession.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
