i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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