ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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