you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
